“Actually, that’s not true. I wrote two posts back in November, but I decided I didn’t like them and deleted them.”

“That doesn’t really help.”

“I didn’t say it did.”

“By the way, you know this isn’t a real conversation, right? You know you’re just talking to yourself.”

“Really? Crap.”

So anyway: Ukuleles. I know, right?

According to Wikipedia, “After the 1960s, the ukulele declined in popularity until the late 1990s, when interest in the instrument reappeared. During the 1990s, new manufacturers began producing ukuleles and a new generation of musicians took up the instrument.” This is, in my opinion, one of the worst things to ever have happened to music.

Now I’m going to take time to admit a fault: I am not very good at arguing my opinion. About anything. So instead, I offer you this:

Just look at that.

Now, I am fully aware that there are a lot of things wrong with that video aside from the ukulele, like the fact that the singer sounds like he really needs to clear his throat. And the mustaches; the sheer amount of them is horrifying. But the ukulele, the ukulele is the anchor of that song. The precious, bewilderingly hip anchor.

Clearly, this must be stopped.

Because as bad as it currently is, this is only the beginning. The ukulele knows what it’s doing, and it has got backup. Not only are there four variations of the ukulele–soprano, concert, tenor, and baritone–but it has begun to infect other instruments. Not only have we got the electric ukulele, but the resonator ukulele, the lap steel ukulele, the harp ukulele, the banjo ukulele, and the utterly vile (I can’t believe I have to type this) guitarlele.

This disease is going to spread. If we don’t act, aberrations such as the pianolele and uke-drums are sure to follow, leading up the the ultimate horror, the humanlele.

So please, anyone who is reading: save the world, destroy a ukulele.

Unlike every band I’ve posted a song of the week from so far, I don’t really know Sebadoh that well. I have a trio of albums from them, but the only one I’m really familiar with is Bubble & Scrape, the record that this song is culled from. “Flood” is a raucous song, more so than almost any other song on a generally mellow record, and that may very well be the reason my ears perked up the first time I heard it.

I’m not going to bother talking through the song as I have previously because it’s a pretty simple verse-chorus-repeat formula until the very end. It’s a fun song, but you don’t really need me to tell you that since there’s a link two paragraphs up that will explain in greater detail than I could.

So why is “Flood” this week’s song of the week? Simple, the lyric “I’m stump-jumpin’ drunk from the get go.” I don’t know, I get a kick out of it every time. Don’t get me wrong here: I wouldn’t listen to the song if I didn’t like it, and it’s just generally a fun piece of rock and roll, but man. “Stump-jumpin’ drunk?” I’ll take it.

This song first catches me about five seconds in, as soon as the bass kicks in. The first time I heard this song was in the context of the record it’s on, Hissing Prigs In Static Couture, so I knew what I was in for, but if you’ve never heard Brainiac, you’re either going to love this song or hate it. I’m going to go with the former. If you pay attention you’ll notice distorted guitars but they’re far from the focus of the song. As with pretty much everything else Brainiac did, the guitars take a backseat to the synthesizers, but even the synths aren’t the star of this show.

Tim Taylor – Brainiac’s frontman – could be called the singer of the band sure, but his heavily manipulated voice was often more of an instrument than a conduit for words. Compared to other Brainiac songs you could even call him reserved on “Nothing Ever Changes,” but that doesn’t make the vocal on this song any less striking, a fact that is made evident the moment the band launches into the chorus.

At their best, Brainiac sounded like a  machine that was just on the brink of breaking down. Mechanical squeals and squeeks are common in this song but they’re percussive or melodic, it’s never noise for noise’s sake. Before the second verse starts there’s quite a bit of this, and I never get sick of those guitar stabs and keyboard glitches.

Coming out of the second chorus, the song breaks into a bridge where a synth steps out front to enjoy the air for a while. In fact, it’s having so much fun it decides to stick around for the chorus, and it’s my single favorite part of this song. In the previous choruses the synthesizer more or less followed the vocal line, but this time it breaks into a melody that wouldn’t be out of place in a New Wave song. It shouldn’t work, but it does.

After Hissing Prigs, Brainiac put out a very strange sounding E.P before getting back to work on a new full-length. Unfortunately we’ll never get to hear it, as Tim Taylor was killed in a car accident while they were working on it. You might listen to Brainiac now and think “oh, that’s not that different – I’ve heard that before.” Maybe you have, but keep in mind that this song was released in 1996 and Brainiac had been going for four years already by then. Sure, bands had mixed punk and electronics before, but none of them had done it with as much energy and excitement as Brainiac, and “Nothing Ever Changes” is a great example of that.

Now I’ve got to be honest here: every time this song starts I can’t help but be reminded of the song Cheech and Chong play in the battle of the bands at the end of Up In Smoke. It’s not even the guitar riff so much as it is the general fuzzed out sound. Likeness to a song in a movie aside, it’s a very cool riff, and absolutely unlike anything I’ve ever heard from Medications prior to this record. The B-part is similar, and that leads you to think that you know where the song is headed. Believe me, you don’t.

The real surprise here is when, after a few iterations of the relatively heavy opening part of the song, it suddenly transforms into a breezy, Beach Boys-esque affair, complete with layered vocal harmonies. What really makes this part of the song for me is the rich piano in the background and the slippery slide guitar following the lead set by the vocals.

A return to the opening riff serves as the exclamation point on the song, and it’s a great way to end it. If you like the song (and there might be something wrong with you if you don’t), I highly recommend picking up the entire album. I’ve been a fan of Medications  – and Faraquet, the band that preceded them – for a long time, and this is by far the best they’ve put out yet, in my opinion.

The song starts off with chiming chords suggesting a bright, sunny day on the west coast, which is somewhat strange as the band is from Baltimore, but hey, nobody ever said a band needs to sound like its surroundings, though I’m sure some Norwegian Black Metal bands would disagree with me. I love the way singer/guitarist Roman Kuebler’s voice is overdriven here; it’s a great contrast to the relatively clean sounding guitars.

The verse is great, and I remember being caught by it immediately the first time I heard the song, but my absolute favorite part of this song comes just after Kuebler wraps up the last line. Out of nowhere, a super-distorted, ugly sounding guitar suddenly enters the mix. The guitar sounds like it’s trying to claw its way through your speakers, but it’s smiling at you the whole time, because it’s actually a really nice melody underneath the layers of fuzz.

The song could just repeat that a few times and I’d be happy, but instead it throws a perfectly good bridge in for good measure in addition to repeating the hook. “Success” is a great example of tasteful production taking what is at its core a great song (look for a live version if you don’t believe me) and enhancing what it is that makes it a great song by pulling your attention to where it should be at any given moment.

On TV is a great E.P. as a whole (see “My Street” and “I’m Still Right”), but honestly they could have just put “Success” on there seven times in a row and I’d still be happy.

This is an oft-used tactic; so much so that you may not even notice it any more. What it boils down to is this: someone is asking you to do something while relieving themselves of the guilt of doing so. When it’s someone you know, say a friend, it’s very close to “I hate to ask you this, but…” When it’s someone like your boss saying it, the general idea is usually this: “I know this is not part of your job, in fact, it’s part of mine, but you have to do it and I’m only phrasing it this way because it’s not really your responsibility. If you don’t do it, believe me you will hear about it.”

I know, that’s a lot of subtext, which is why this method is used so often, and why it works so often. So put yourself on the other side of it; if you find yourself doing this, or about to do this, stop and try to think of a way that might be more polite and, more importantly, more honest to the person you are about to ask a favor of. They’ll appreciate it, even if they never know it.

1.) Drink At Times You Wouldn’t Normally Drink

This is by far the most important rule. Drink in the morning, the middle of the night, in the shower; any time you normally wouldn’t be drinking, you should be drinking. If you’re feeling particularly ambitious, you can try other drugs, but get alcohol down pat first. The lessons you learn from being drunk all the time often apply to other drugs as well.

2.) Learn To Play An Instrument

I know what you’re thinking: that sounds like an awful lot of work. You’re right, it is, if you want to play an instrument well, anyway. That’s the key here: you don’t need to play it well, you just need to play it just enough to take you from “alcoholic” to “burgeoning rock star.”

3.) Mood Swings

If you aren’t already having them (the booze will help here), try having mood swings, early and often. Outbursts from “normal people” are just inconvenient, but hey, you’re a rock star. Your problems are everyone’s problems now. The sooner they learn that, the better.

4.) Always Speak As If You’re Being Interviewed

Always. Aside from (barely) learning an instrument, this may be one of the toughest steps to accomplish. Prepare by watching documentaries of your favorite bands, and keep notes if you have to. Once you get it down, you’ll be able to take an everyday question like “What’s your favorite food?” and answer with something like “I was in Hamburg once, right after our first record came out, and I found a little pizza joint at 3 in the morning. Fantastic.” See?

5.) Move At A Slower Pace Than You Normally Would

Cool people are never in a rush. This applies doubly to rock stars. Again, the booze will help with this (there’s a reason why drinking is step number one), but if you’re still having trouble, try imagining that you’re walking through rich, creamery butter. In fact, imagine that anyway.

6.) Wardrobe

Once you’ve got the above steps down, look at yourself in a mirror. Not looking like a rock star, are you? That’s because rock stars don’t wear normal clothes. Here are some tips: Necklaces? Always. Bandanas? The more the better. They’re not just for your head, you know. Pants? Rip ‘em. Sunglasses? Do you really have to ask? Yes, of course. Wear two pairs. One pair up on your head, and one pair to cover your eyes. Never take them off, not even in bed.

7.) Embrace Your Everyday Imperfections

You’ve got bigger problems to worry about now, like yourself. So if you can’t do something that most people have no problem doing, don’t sweat it: you’re meant for bigger things. Besides, you shouldn’t be doing some as mundane as cooking for yourself anyway. If you do try to cook and set your apartment on fire, see step one.

Actually, yes, I did. So, anyway, what’s up with me, you ask. Well, I’m happy to answer. I’ve been writing lately. A lot. I’m about half way through a novel. That’s top-secret for now, so I’m not even particularly sure why I mentioned it in the first place. I’ve also been writing short stories. Those stories have either already been accepted and are going to be published, or I’m working on them and planning to try to get them published, so I can’t really talk about them either. Excellent. Anything else you’d like to not know?

Ok, music. I can talk about music. I’m currently playing bass in the band Sodbuster. We’re working on recording a full-length at the moment. Actually, it’s been recorded. We’re mixing it. Can you hear it? Of course not, it’s not finished yet. Why would you even ask that? Soon, however, if should be available in some form, and you’ll be able to hear it then. Hey, at least I can talk about that.

My other band, The Blank, has a yet-to-be released E.P. in a state of limbo, as my band-mate and I are currently experiencing geographical difficulties. If the new E.P. doesn’t make it out of said limbo, we’ll eventually release it for free. Our first E.P. is still available, if you’d care to pick it up. Hey, that’s something.

Okay, so it’s looking like I wrote a post about how I really can’t talk about or share much of what I’m working on. Think about it this way: at least you didn’t get the meta-post, the post about how there’s nothing to post.

Alright then. More to come.