“Hey Kris, you know you haven’t updated your blog in nearly a year, right?

“Actually, that’s not true. I wrote two posts back in November, but I decided I didn’t like them and deleted them.”

“That doesn’t really help.”

“I didn’t say it did.”

“By the way, you know this isn’t a real conversation, right? You know you’re just talking to yourself.”

“Really? Crap.”

So anyway: Ukuleles. I know, right?

According to Wikipedia, “After the 1960s, the ukulele declined in popularity until the late 1990s, when interest in the instrument reappeared. During the 1990s, new manufacturers began producing ukuleles and a new generation of musicians took up the instrument.” This is, in my opinion, one of the worst things to ever have happened to music.

Now I’m going to take time to admit a fault: I am not very good at arguing my opinion. About anything. So instead, I offer you this:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWSz_PAfgNc]

Just look at that.

Now, I am fully aware that there are a lot of things wrong with that video aside from the ukulele, like the fact that the singer sounds like he really needs to clear his throat. And the mustaches; the sheer amount of them is horrifying. But the ukulele, the ukulele is the anchor of that song. The precious, bewilderingly hip anchor.

Clearly, this must be stopped.

Because as bad as it currently is, this is only the beginning. The ukulele knows what it’s doing, and it has got backup. Not only are there four variations of the ukulele–soprano, concert, tenor, and baritone–but it has begun to infect other instruments. Not only have we got the electric ukulele, but the resonator ukulele, the lap steel ukulele, the harp ukulele, the banjo ukulele, and the utterly vile (I can’t believe I have to type this) guitarlele.

This disease is going to spread. If we don’t act, aberrations such as the pianolele and uke-drums are sure to follow, leading up the the ultimate horror, the humanlele.

So please, anyone who is reading: save the world, destroy a ukulele.