It’s something most folks have considered at one time or another, but let’s face it: for most of us, it’s never going to happen. So instead of sitting around wondering what it would be like to be a rock star, try living the dream, without that pesky reality getting in the way.
1.) Drink At Times You Wouldn’t Normally Drink
This is by far the most important rule. Drink in the morning, the middle of the night, in the shower; any time you normally wouldn’t be drinking, you should be drinking. If you’re feeling particularly ambitious, you can try other drugs, but get alcohol down pat first. The lessons you learn from being drunk all the time often apply to other drugs as well.
2.) Learn To Play An Instrument
I know what you’re thinking: that sounds like an awful lot of work. You’re right, it is, if you want to play an instrument well, anyway. That’s the key here: you don’t need to play it well, you just need to play it just enough to take you from “alcoholic” to “burgeoning rock star.”
3.) Mood Swings
If you aren’t already having them (the booze will help here), try having mood swings, early and often. Outbursts from “normal people” are just inconvenient, but hey, you’re a rock star. Your problems are everyone’s problems now. The sooner they learn that, the better.
4.) Always Speak As If You’re Being Interviewed
Always. Aside from (barely) learning an instrument, this may be one of the toughest steps to accomplish. Prepare by watching documentaries of your favorite bands, and keep notes if you have to. Once you get it down, you’ll be able to take an everyday question like “What’s your favorite food?” and answer with something like “I was in Hamburg once, right after our first record came out, and I found a little pizza joint at 3 in the morning. Fantastic.” See?
5.) Move At A Slower Pace Than You Normally Would
Cool people are never in a rush. This applies doubly to rock stars. Again, the booze will help with this (there’s a reason why drinking is step number one), but if you’re still having trouble, try imagining that you’re walking through rich, creamery butter. In fact, imagine that anyway.
Once you’ve got the above steps down, look at yourself in a mirror. Not looking like a rock star, are you? That’s because rock stars don’t wear normal clothes. Here are some tips: Necklaces? Always. Bandanas? The more the better. They’re not just for your head, you know. Pants? Rip ‘em. Sunglasses? Do you really have to ask? Yes, of course. Wear two pairs. One pair up on your head, and one pair to cover your eyes. Never take them off, not even in bed.
7.) Embrace Your Everyday Imperfections
You’ve got bigger problems to worry about now, like yourself. So if you can’t do something that most people have no problem doing, don’t sweat it: you’re meant for bigger things. Besides, you shouldn’t be doing some as mundane as cooking for yourself anyway. If you do try to cook and set your apartment on fire, see step one.